Squint
by R.G Charleoui
Summary: Will you be more alive if I squint? Akihiko/FemaleProtagonist.


He stacks his fears and weaknesses like unwanted letters – he ignores them. But now when everything fell apart, he rips open every letter, relishing each wound like a masochist. Never again, he vowed. Oh how he was wrong.

It was hot, but it was snowing like mad. The sky was darker than black but something radiant and bright burned before his grey eyes, making the night seem more alive and yet so dream-like. The smell of burning paraphernalia wafted through the broken windows along with flecks of black ash, settling against the snow. Black and white, white and black.

He smelled burning flesh – it was hard to ignore it. He was far too close to it. And yet so far to the thing he wanted to... –

Save. And so the dream quickens, complete with the sharp lines and angles and a frantic hammering in his heart. He thrashes against the hold of people? He couldn't tell. He couldn't care less. All he cared for was _her_.

Then, the water pours forth; thick and white, coming in contact with the sizzling fire in some places as the fire laced around the building like a snake reluctant to let go. At first he felt relief for the fire was dying. It sputtered and the room which they were aiming for had lost all its flames, embers and all.

And all – yes, that seemed to sum it all. It destroyed everything. It was cruel. And Akihiko knew it was too late but still he thrashed as the adrenaline surged again in his veins, burning all hesitation and certainty.

In one last push, he shoved with all his might against the person who held him back. He looked back and Shinjiro was glaring at him coldly and shouting words that were indecipherable. He shook his head, spat in his direction and ran to the building.

The front door was badly broken and burnt and almost crashed on top of him were it not for the men rushing past him. It was a good thing no one saw him at the time – he felt so invisible. It was also a good thing that what he was looking for was at the first floor.

But maybe he was not so lucky.

He passed the burned lounge, the kitchen and in the play room where he had last seen her. He smiled, knowing that everything was going to be alright now that he was here, knowing that any second now he would see that playful, innocent smile and feel warm and feel...like _home_. He went inside the playroom.

It was darker than black, extending from the ceiling to every inch of the wall and floor. It was a deeper kind of black, not one produced by mere flames. His eyes fell on a doll in the center of the floor. He walked towards it, scared but still determined. He bent down and touched its blackened arm with morbid curiosity.

His finger sank and blood poured, hot and thick.

Then everything was crystal clear. It was not a doll at all. Even through the singed hair and the glassy, grey eyes he could see her. It was not a doll. It was Miki.

And he found that she couldn't – wouldn't – see him ever again.

My eyes flew open; sweat beaded my forehead and drenched my entire body but I was only half aware of that. What bothered me most was the dream. Or rather, my memory. It was the first time in a very long time that I had dreamed about that phantasmagorical evening.

I frowned at my empty room and sat up, running a hand over my hair, feeling utterly helpless again after relieving that memory.

_No use being weak now_, I scolded myself. I glanced at the clock next to me. It was just after two. Great. Now I can't sleep. Thank you, subconscious mind.

Throwing aside the covers, I proceeded to stand up. My first thought was to get water to help calm me down but as soon as I realized how hungry I was, I decided to eat cup noodles.

I thumped downstairs and was surprised when I saw that the lights were open. Down I went, and into the kitchen, where I saw –

"Akihiko?" the brunette asked, mildly surprised. She was sitting in one of the chairs; both legs were drawn up to her chin, her arms wrapped around them. She looked so tiny in her position.

"O-oh, hello." I said politely, feeling awkward all of the sudden even though we were...together.

I noticed that her eyes were a little swollen and red-rimmed. "Are you okay?" I asked the girl and moved towards her. "Do you feel sick or something?"

"I'm..." she wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I'm afraid." She whispered and ducked her head under her knees.

I didn't probe her for the answer to my why – we all felt that way after Ryoji announced that the entire world as we know it will end by the end of the month. Instead, I scooped her up in my arms – she was surprisingly light – and carried her to the lounge were we lay down side by side in the narrow couch there.

Her watery blood-red eyes found mine and I found them still quite beautiful, swollen as they were. I don't think I'll ever tire of looking at her or look at her any differently than what I was doing now.

"I'm the one not supposed to be scared. I know that." She blinked and the drops fell. "But, I'm still human Aki. I...don't want to let go of life. Don't you think it ironic that I'm scared of death when my most used persona now is the arcana of death?"

I hugged her closer to my chest, throwing away any thoughts of what Mitsuru or the others would say if they found us this way. I even kept my dream at bay. I had to move on. Miki is my past – now, she's my present and hopefully, future.

"It's fine to be scared. We're all scared. It just comes down to whether or not you want to overcome that fear or get consumed by it."

"But it's not _my_ life anymore I'm scared for." She looked at him. "I'm scared for everyone, dear Maiko, she's still so young and Bunkichi and Mitsuko, Rio, Hidetoshi...Saori and Bebe. And – "

She choked on her tears and fell silent. "But you know what's even scarier?"

I didn't need to say why. I knew she'd say it even if I didn't respond.

"I'm scared to lose _you_, however selfish that may sound." She looked a little indulgent – and a little surprised – at this little confession and it was enough for the tears to continue to pour down.

"But you won't. You won't, I swear." I brushed away her tears. "Don't be scared. I promise to stick around till the end. Maybe even then."

She looked up at me sweetly and permitted herself to smile – it was breath-taking, that smile. "That's why I keep you closer than all the other boys." She grinned.

Despite the fact that we were a quantifiable couple now, I could not help but bit back the jealousy inside me. "Oh so there are other boys?"

She laughed and began to squirm beside me. "Hmm, let me see..." she pondered.

We both laughed and the tension eased up. The night became lighter. It was a feeling akin to that moment of time when the Dark Hour passes into just the Time and all became normal...even if it's only temporary.

"Better?" I asked.

She shook her head but she was smiling. "I don't think it'll get any better."

"Oh. I see..." I frowned slightly, falling back into that awkwardness reserved for instances where I feel like she was trying to convey something to me and prompting me to speak the words she wanted to hear but always ending up unable to grasp those specific words and saying something unintelligible.

But her grin was getting more cat-like and razor-sharp and her eyes were getting dryer, making it easy to...er, _flirt_. Especially with me and her in such a provocative position.

"If I er...kiss you where it hurts um, then will it get better?" I swallowed.

Her eyes widen, her jaw falls and her cheeks heat up. I suddenly felt self-conscious. _Oh crap_, I thought, _did I say something wrong or worse, awkward_?

"Akihiko Sanada. Did you just ask me a dirty question?"

I fell silent and stood up, suddenly feeling very hungry and afraid of the girl whose eyes seemed too hypnotic and her smile too charming.

She only wore a button-down dress of some sort that could not hide her legs very well, despite the socks. She stood up too and I saw that her hair was let loose from her pony tail. She took a shaky step towards me and I took an automatic step back.

Shock flickered through her features.

"Sanada-senpai," those lips sang.

"Minako?"

She was closing in on me now; her head was tilted to one side, gauging my reaction. I felt my Adam's apple bobbing from swallowing.

She closed her eyes and leaned in to me on tiptoes.

I closed mine too.

And waited.

...for too long.

I opened my eyes and I was back in my room alone, disappointed and lonely. It was dark and a little after 12 but bright moon light filtered through my window – my curtains were thrown back. It felt good to see the normal white instead of the eerie green glow of the moon.

I was still Akihiko Sanada but I was not seventeen any more. I was twenty-three, living alone in my own apartment. Gone were the days of boxing gloves and personas and...her.

But for a moment if I still squint and concentrate, I could feel her close to me. I could continue where my dream had left, I could add the void with my imagination but it would not be the real thing. Not anymore. But I squint hard until I could feel pain and conjured up those images of her which I try hard to suppress.

_Not tonight_, I thought.

I felt the tears wash down my frustration and when I opened my eyes –

Was this a dream? A fragment of my imagination? Choose whatever but when I opened my eyes I thought I saw just a tiny wisp of her chocolate-brown hair, the ghost of that charming smile, those hypnotic eyes and the words...soft as whispers but still echoing like the grandest of bells, seizing my heart like it always had (and always will) and drew my breath away.

"I'll be waiting..."


End file.
